the everyday struggles of a pineapple

you give an inch and they take a mile. gawd, do i look like your personal secretary? rahh. selfish arsehole aside, I’M LEAVING MADRID TONIGHT FOR A 2 WEEK TRIP :(:(:( i ought to be excited but im dreading it. i’m dreading leaving madrid, exchnage, the family, my exchange friends for good. 

excited for the solo trips i guess but hesitant for the ones where i travel with friends. strange eh? seeing your ‘home’ with a new set of eyes is so terrifying. its such an uncomfortable notion rahh 

but nonetheless, i ought to be so thankful for this week. didnt go to porto but i spent time with the people i value the most here and thats really the best thing i could have done with my time. i have loved my time here and the fortuities that have led me to meet the people i have met have been so amazing and well-paced. madrid, te amor :) 

I’ve discovered so many things this past year. It’s been tiring but boy, has it been exhilarating. 

Seek and ye shall find; be prepared to find that the answer could well be a no, or a not right now. Perhaps I’m not yet ready for religion. That remains to be discovered again. Maybe things will never work between me and J1 or me and J2. But that’s okay - I have sought and I have found and that should be enough. 

Toxicity can strike the oldest of friendships and it is a matter of choice whether we want this to remain as such. It is painful but is not impossible to cut people from our lives and we need good reason and conviction before taking such a step. The situation is easier where the mutual friendships are dead and there is little interdependence but even in the presence of both, release is possible. 

It can be flattering to receive attention from the opposite sex; even more so when this attention is not confined to mere superficial, primal attraction. But this is meaningless unless you actually are attracted to the boy in question. Attraction is not merely a function of looks - it is far more complex; there neither can nor should be any rationalisation as to why said boy is or is not attractive in your eyes. Where attraction is found, it should be developed and chased. 

Under no circumstances is it permissible to use a career opportunity as a bait to lure seemingly interested [interested in the opportunity, not in said man!], vulnerable individuals. And it is possible to be indifferent and not at all jealous when you see that opportunity go to someone else. 

We must allow ourselves to break out of the mold we’ve cast upon ourselves. Labels of ‘forever alone’, ‘unadventurous’, ‘moralistic’ or ‘free’ - they do us no good and make us trapped in our own minds. I perceive myself as an unadventurous person and thus I shall not do this. BULLOCKS! We can be guided by our beliefs if they are strong but never should we be guided by how we wish to be perceived by others.

Some lessons need not be learned. We need to decide what we need to learn and what lessons we are comfortable to leave unlearned and never to have ingrained in us. It seems counter-intuitive but the price demanded for some lessons is way too great for us to afford and we should not be pig-headed about this. 

Exercise is good and is valuable; it releases stress and provides alone-time. The ancillary benefits are just that - ancillary. They should not detract from the love of exercise and the love of motion. Our bodies are irreplaceable and we must take good care of them. Diet is important and overeating is a form of disrespect to your body. 

Insecurity strikes and when it strikes, it affects even the most emotionally secure of us. It does not matter how strong your support system is, or how much you have going for you, or whether you have reflected things over or not, when insecurity strikes, it paralyses. What helps, is not to bring the failures in the other areas of life to the forefront of your mind when you are tackling vulnerability in one aspect of life.  A support system helps when people are facing the same problems as you. It is easy, seductive even to blame friends who do not seem to understand what is on your plate as being unemphatic or uncaring but they deserve the benefit of doubt. (this presumption is rebuttable when the behaviour is repeated time and again)

Self-aggrandisation and manipulation does get you places, apparently. But it makes you a detestable human being. On the note of detestable human beings, feeling superior to someone on account of the opportunities you’ve been given (and implicitly patting yourself on the shoulder all the time) as well as being unkind to those who have the misfortune of being your juniors are the types of behaviour that make you detestable. You are talented, that is acknowledged. But true respect should be reserved for those who do good and make the most of their talents - not to those who choose to devote every free hour to intellectual pursuits. Life is bigger than that. 

Demeaning jokes ought not be tolerated. 

Music comforts. 

Friendships fail when communication is one-way. Both sides need to bring something to the table- something besides mere listening and analysing. 

Overt judgement is uncomfortable but honest. However, people who focus too much on judging others are uncomfortable to be around and interaction with them should be minimized. 

moarrr coming up. 

this crappy crappy week has been brought to you by crumbling insecurity. whats worse than that? feeling really angry at yourself for feeling insecure cos you know that a tc isnt the be all and end all of your existence. ugh tc drama -.- IAMBETTERTHANTHIS. i need to run. 

on the plus side, i have discovered that the secret to peaceful oblivion lies in blasting this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6NqCRYy68s

for a minimum of 4 times at a volume just shy of discomfort.

i was just reading a blog of this girl from my jc who was commenting on how materialistic and dispassionate singaporeans can be. she tried to justify herself by saying how many people want to become lawyers or doctors for the pay and how lawyers wouldnt wanna work if they were not paid for their time. 

well, DUH. 

yes, some of us are materialistic and some of us are indeed dispassionate but it really isnt up to you to sit there and judge. some have very good reasons for looking for a career path that is well-paying - eg if their families arent well to do and this is how they intend to break the poverty cycle. some dont know where there passions lie. some may indeed be passionate in their demanding courses. some may be in just for the thrill of the challenge and to just push themselves to see what they get. the point is, in judging folk, you introduce wayy too many assumptions and are essentially valuing people to your own scale. really, what is the point? it just smacks of bitter contempt to say that someone else is forsaking passion for money. and damn straight, even if they were, that is their problem, not yours! 

last of all, the example given - which lawyer would work if he wasnt compensated for his time - that could be said for ANY profession. sure, you could be a passionate baker [eg] and still wanna bake if you were’nt compensated for it but would you bake for customers who didnt compensate you. hell no. you’d bake for yourself and perhaps your loved ones. 

so, miss annoying-know-it-all-im-a-founder-of-a-volunteering-organisation-who-faces tiny-difficulties-and-blows-them-out-of-proportion, shuddup and reflect more! 

i’m growing to realise that there are no rewards - only areas of further challenge. 

ohmylord i am so tired and jaded. 

it sometimes happens that you make fast friends with people. they’re funny and you’re in need of entertainment. then fundamental differences crop up and the same old jokes feel tiring and worn out. then what? 

mind you, this sentiment is not reserved for one person or even one bunch of friends. its scope spans a few groups and people. 

i need a break from this. at least for a while. 

i guess i was hoping we’d start talking again. 

you saw me when nobody else did. thats why i’d always wanna fall back in line with you. but i guess life happens and we arent the same people anymore.

i long for the idea of you. perhaps you are the inarticuable sadness in me.

to be honest, nothing else so far has been able to compare to you and what your presence in my life felt like. trepidation. sunshine. awe. 

what is gone, is gone. 

failure is subjective. 

if experience is your aim, you can never fail.